Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
