I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
