I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she peed on how many people?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
