I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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