If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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