you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so let's talk penis.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
