textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
