i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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