Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
