ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
