More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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