I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
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