Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
