im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize