i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
