I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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