you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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