My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize