So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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