Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize