I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
