Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
