Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
