I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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