Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
