I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
