My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
