Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
