Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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