he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
