And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
