My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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