So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
