Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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