i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
