weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
