I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize