If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
