me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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