I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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