Screwed.edu
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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