Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
