i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
