Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
They have beer where we have blood.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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