She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
