I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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