Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
