If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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