Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Randomize
