Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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