I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
