Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
