Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
