I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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