I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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